Alone

Alone
The word itself cold as a stone
No noises, phones
No creaks or groans No moans
No friends in homes no lovers
No one to discover to uncover
No loving brother
Not another soul
No tolls from joyous bells
How do we fight an enemy comes from within ourselves
How do we go without
How do we stay devout
When all we want to do is shout
Out loud
And ask for someone to be there
To ask him where theres one to care
For
Or with
About
Is this some myth
Some misunderstanding that
We should be landing one some shore
Not stuck out in gales with sails that tore
No wind, no sails, no oars
Just drifting on this tide before us
Towards a horizon that will ignore us
Perhaps abhor us
Tough.

Judas Paradox; a poem

Paradox is cruel.
You took me for fool
But did you know I thought it through?

Offered to step into the shoes of a joyful man
Offered every piece of gold in a once forbidden land
Offered every coin but one, that was the plan

The one you held behind your back to test this mortal man
Would he throw meat to Dogs, would he throw pearls to Hogs?
Would he

Because I denied you by the fire
You set your standard higher
Than I was able to hold on.
Three times and then the gong
To her to me to friends

Too dizzied, land had gone
And every other comfort
Every other thing
Any reason to sing was far beneath the clouds
And the sound of rushing air and storming rains had grown so loud
That all I knew was doubt that I would ever see another Spring.
You’d left me there so long without a lamp enough to bring
My feet more then two steps without a stumble
And I’ve tried hard not to grumble
I’ve tried hard to be humble and if I grumbled it was mumbles followed by a shout that “you were right!”

I tried to learn the lessons when you taught me how to fight
I tried to see your light
I tried not to take flight from the pain I knew each fall would bring
If I’d stayed down my knees and shins would scar less for another king.
But always light and knees and shins and ears and eyes they burn
And ring
With the sounds of others’ joy and laughter from them heightening
But I would like a turn

Your plan it was to man this stern, to point this bow on straight and firm
And narrow

But the sparrow’s song had grown so soft
And sun was setting from aloft
Lucky and Pozzo just sat there and coughed
Not another sound
Not another footstep on the ground
Except from now and then a boy
Whose sense we would annoy with questions
And promising tomomrow’s blessing, he’d leave without a trace

I dreamt about his Master’s face.
I dreamt he’d come down to this place
And simply walk with me a while
To spend time with this child.
But just a rank and file I must have dialed incorrectly.
The operator sent me to the wrong destination.
It was the sun that I was facing just one moment ago
But now, the moons so high aglow, trying to show

That it can hide any path
Deceitful reflection of that fiery bath
Of light
That brought a path in sight from time to time

But time for another line.
Where from here would you have me go?
One whose failed again…you know.
Like I need to tell you any more
Well…..so…..?
What use have you for one so low?
Shall I slide along the ground? Have to feel for every sound?
Should I know now not to hope?
Should I know now just to hold a rope and let you swing me where you will?
Should I trust that where I land is just another pill?
To swallow. Pride goes down better when your numb.
And paradox, swallows easier when you’re blind def and dumb.

Hope...Hope....Hope

There are some things that, every day, I ask myself why. Why did I do things that way? Why did I make that mistake? Why did I have to learn the hard way? I Probably ask myself these questions more than most, because I’ve learned from mistakes more than most. Why did I get kicked out of college? Why couldn’t I have just followed one more rule? You would not believe, if you follow the trail from that spur, how much destruction I would have diverted. But I didn’t. Do you know what I did? I screwed up. At the risk of giving too much away, I remember nights awake, wondering, terrified about the consequences I might face. Sometimes I still do. I’ve faced a lot of demons head on. I could almost feel and smell their hot breath in my face, their coarse hands around my neck. Despair was a daily battle. Because I could look back and say to myself, this is what I did wrong, this is why I am here. That was a weapon that was used against me, and it was pretty sharp.

C.S. Lewis was the author of a space trilogy. In one book, Peralandra, there is an allegorical temptation in the allegorical Garden of Eden. And in that book, Adam and Eve do the right thing. After helping that to happen, the character Ransom, from our planet, passes some time with what one might call an allegorical arch-angel. He remarks to that angel his sadness that the incredible thing that was going to happen is this world, never happened in his world. The arch-angel corrects him, in a sense. You’re right, he tells Ransom, your world failed, it had fallen….your race screwed up. But, they say hopefully, something greater happened in your world. As this first hits Ransom, he realizes what it means, and he’s filled with grief, but then with joy. Something in our world was intended. We messed it up. But God took it, and he made our brokenness more whole then it could have ever originally been.

There is a message here for Christians who feel the weight of the world bearing down on them every day, who can look at the past and say “My God! What have I done!!” And then fear sets in. Do not let fear of the consequences of your past motivate you, don’t let it pull you down, as one wise literature professor once told me, don’t listen to the voices from the basement. Because the voices in the attic are saying, “you have broken yourself. Come here.” Imagine your saviour, with a look of serious minded sadness, imagine a tear in his eye when he says this to you, and imagine the love in his voice when he next says
“come to me my child.” “Bring me this broken and ruined thing, and I will give you something greater.”

I bet at this point there’s a voice in the back of your head telling you “No, that can’t be it. You’ve messed up, don’t think you can just avoid the consequences!” You’re not avoiding the consequences. We didn’t avoid the consequences of the fall. They were defeated. What you are hearing is an accusation, recognize the messenger for who he is. Your past cannot hurt you, because it has been defeated. Let Hope motivate you, Faith and Hope that God is Love, and that he will take that brokenness and turn it into wings. He has to lest he be a liar, and he surely is not. He has to, because that is how he brings hope to the broken, to the lost and hopeless. He does it with the broken. He uses bent sticks to draw straight lines. They are going to look at you, and people are going to see that you’ve fallen. But they’re going to see you get lifted up, and then they are going to hope that that can happen to them to. In your wounded hand you will soon find a sword, and your tattered shirt will soon shine like armor. Your past might show real, tangible, irreconcilable loss. But you are going to be redeemed, and you are going to give hope to everyone. Thanks to God, your future holds more than you ever could have lost, because what you lost is going to be made greater and given to you through the immeasurable. But in your brokenness, you will be made whole

Not possible you say? I spent years drunk and on drugs. Today I am sober and clean. I got kicked out of college. In one month, I graduate lawschool up near the top of my class. For those of you who know him, a close friend of ours got off to a bad start in a relationship, today he, his wife, and his son are one of the closest families I know, and a shining star in a dark place.

Should we keep going on sinning then? No. As Paul said in response to the same rhetorical question: “May it never be!” (Romans 6:2-3). We are dead to sin, that is where the healing starts. Rebuilding to something greater doesn’t work without repentance. We’re broken because we did something to break ourselves. We screwed up. But giving that to God, admitting in humbleness and humility that we are wretched, has the paradoxical effect of letting God make us greater. It is the very essence of repentance. God had other words for those who would use this as an excuse to keep on doing wrong. Be hot or cold, but do not be lukewarm or I will spit you out of my mouth (Rev. 3:16). Being cold allows us to break, being hot allows us to heal or to avoid breaking. But being stuck in the middle we do neither, and we will never come to that place where God can heal us.

So take heart, brother and sister, Child of God. God is going to use your brokenness and turn it into glory to encourage me. And he will do the same with mine for you. Do not let fear dictate your actions. Let Hope found in Faith in God’s Love and in this promise encourage and motivate. You have not been left where you are. Joy awaits you.



IF I could not SING unto the Lord,
Than a stone it could afford that voice

But the Voice that spoke that Word desires Choice.

And if unfaithful Noise I hoist toward heaven
If my bread is made with
Unfaithful leaven.

And what is sweet to me would sour heaven

Then…even in the midst of that

Instead of a sword over me swung,
Celebration over me is sung.

And no yeast could infiltrate that feast.
And the fatted calf is killed and I am no longer a beast.
In those eyes

And I am Drenched.
Before I was a Stench that reached High heaven
But now I’ve been forgiven 77 times 7
And make that choice every day I’m given.
To raise my voice to and praise that, beauty sent for ransom
In sacrifice

But that’s not going to stop them from trying
That’s not going to stop them from lying

They’re going to say that all these ends that I’ve been tying
Are just that and loose and what I’m selling no ones buying

They’ll try to send me home crying

Tears of mourning or tears of pain, from 5 to 9
They won’t stop trying
To tell me.

That, with every battle lost I stand alone with Hell to pay and my blood is less than cost so on my soul they have to prey


HA!!
Nice try again but that price was paid
And that axe falling on my neck was stayed
With authority that you obeyed

Your rebellion is weak.
You may stay up late and seek for ways to make me stumble
But I rise up early and in His hands I crumble
and by the time your trap was laid, I’ve already been humbled…to my knees,
And instead of FALL into your toothless mouth I Crawl right over and out
Of paws that have no claws.
A mouth that has no jaws.
How are you going to devour what over you is a tower of defeat.
The banner over me is Love.
And with authority from above
The cost you sought to have of my soul, in Blood is Paid
In full
And in receipt your doom was Laid, at a Cross your advance was Stayed

And as your forces fell in defeat
You were forced to flee and retreat
Think of That the next meal you try to eat.
Cause in my hand is a sword and a spear
And in your heart is nothing but fear
On my chest has been placed armor
You are not hunted by some angry farmer, who’s crops you sought to steal, vine you sought to kill.
Your pursued by something larger. The God of all creation leading a whole host of those you thought were goners
It just turned out they were hanger onners

Your discouragement is countered by His nourishment.
And that dark veil is nothing more than pale
And in times of doubt you came, and placed on me some blame
But all that shame was erased and in its place is written His name
In a stone that strikes your head
And if you try to take my heel
On your head is where you’ll feel
The bite of that two edged sword
From the beginning was that Word.

Did I hear you start to grumble?
Ha, I bet you remember that tumble
Down to this earth in fire wild.
Yeah, My name is Michael too, if that gets you riled
Thousands of years to plan and you were still beaten
By a child.
Two thousand more you still can’t stop me, you’re too mild.
But don’t take my word, It’s His that is Final.