Judas Paradox; a poem

Paradox is cruel.
You took me for fool
But did you know I thought it through?

Offered to step into the shoes of a joyful man
Offered every piece of gold in a once forbidden land
Offered every coin but one, that was the plan

The one you held behind your back to test this mortal man
Would he throw meat to Dogs, would he throw pearls to Hogs?
Would he

Because I denied you by the fire
You set your standard higher
Than I was able to hold on.
Three times and then the gong
To her to me to friends

Too dizzied, land had gone
And every other comfort
Every other thing
Any reason to sing was far beneath the clouds
And the sound of rushing air and storming rains had grown so loud
That all I knew was doubt that I would ever see another Spring.
You’d left me there so long without a lamp enough to bring
My feet more then two steps without a stumble
And I’ve tried hard not to grumble
I’ve tried hard to be humble and if I grumbled it was mumbles followed by a shout that “you were right!”

I tried to learn the lessons when you taught me how to fight
I tried to see your light
I tried not to take flight from the pain I knew each fall would bring
If I’d stayed down my knees and shins would scar less for another king.
But always light and knees and shins and ears and eyes they burn
And ring
With the sounds of others’ joy and laughter from them heightening
But I would like a turn

Your plan it was to man this stern, to point this bow on straight and firm
And narrow

But the sparrow’s song had grown so soft
And sun was setting from aloft
Lucky and Pozzo just sat there and coughed
Not another sound
Not another footstep on the ground
Except from now and then a boy
Whose sense we would annoy with questions
And promising tomomrow’s blessing, he’d leave without a trace

I dreamt about his Master’s face.
I dreamt he’d come down to this place
And simply walk with me a while
To spend time with this child.
But just a rank and file I must have dialed incorrectly.
The operator sent me to the wrong destination.
It was the sun that I was facing just one moment ago
But now, the moons so high aglow, trying to show

That it can hide any path
Deceitful reflection of that fiery bath
Of light
That brought a path in sight from time to time

But time for another line.
Where from here would you have me go?
One whose failed again…you know.
Like I need to tell you any more
Well…..so…..?
What use have you for one so low?
Shall I slide along the ground? Have to feel for every sound?
Should I know now not to hope?
Should I know now just to hold a rope and let you swing me where you will?
Should I trust that where I land is just another pill?
To swallow. Pride goes down better when your numb.
And paradox, swallows easier when you’re blind def and dumb.